There Will Not Be A Four
by astopperindeath
Summary: Avada Kedavra only worked if you meant it. If you were giggling as you said it, it didn’t work. AU after the end of DH. EWE.


Disclaimer: Not mine, not making any money. Behold the all-powerful Jo!

AN: This has not been beta-read, so will not be up to par. I will have it beta-read after the holidays.

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Hermione and Draco had been together some ten years now. After the war and the trials, and after finding out Snape's role in the Headmaster's death and Draco's subsequent renouncing of the Death Eaters, Draco and Hermione had come to an understanding. That understanding had turned into a close friendship. After Harry and Ron had gotten married, Hermione had often felt like the odd girl out, Draco had come into her life when she needed her own friend the most. That friendship had turned to romance one New Years' Eve; they had been the only two without dates that night, and at midnight had kissed each other.

The next morning, Draco had made her banana pancakes and dark, bitter coffee.

Lucius and Narcissa had been slow to approve their relationship—they said it was because of her lack of wealth and connections, but Draco knew it was because she was Muggleborn. It was a sticking point for Draco—after everything their family had lost in the War, how could his parents possibly care about blood purity now?

Hermione didn't seem to mind most of the time; usually she just referred to his father as a "Snob-blood" any time he referred to her parentage. It made her laugh, and it made his father uncomfortable, so it made Draco happy.

As a Muggleborn, Christmas was very important to Hermione. She insisted upon the works—trees decorating the house, spiked eggnog for Christmas Eve, and lights decorating the exterior of their home. Narcissa thought many of the Muggle Christmas traditions were rather quaint, so two years after Draco and Hermione had married, she began hosting Christmas parties at the Manor. Very few people were invited to these parties outside of the immediate family—Snape, Andromeda, and Teddy Lupin. Andromeda and Teddy had needed some support after Nymphadora and Lupin had died, and their situation had forced a small reconciliation between Andromeda and Narcissa.

The parties were lavish affairs—roast goose and plum pudding; free-flowing mulled wine and spiked eggnog. Snape was known to drink enough to actually smile once every few years. Hermione made sure to charm grape juice to smell like the mulled wine so Teddy could feel like one of the adults. Even Lucius was known to partake in the eggnog, but only when no one was looking.

One Christmas Eve, Draco found himself sitting on a loveseat in the drawing room, Hermione cuddled up to his side. Narcissa was kneeled on the floor playing with Teddy's new toys and Snape and Andromeda were talking quietly near the tree. Lucius was the only one left out of conversation and sidled up to Andromeda and Snape. Their conversation began wafting towards Hermione and Draco.

"So Severus, is it awkward for you to spend your time with former students? It seems to me it might bring back some… less-than-savory memories." Lucius sneered.

"As long as you have not invited the Longbottom spawn, I suppose not."

Andromeda smiled. "Neville could not have been _that_ bad, Severus?"

If it were even possible, Snape's scowl deepened.

Lucius had sneaked several cups of eggnog at this point, and was decidedly more inebriated than in years past. Seeing Teddy had put him in a foul mood—as much as he adored his nephew, Teddy was a constant reminder that Hermione and Draco had not produced an heir… a grandchild to play with on Sunday afternoons. He had always wanted another child, but both wars had made it nearly impossible to consider another child. He craved grandchildren—that second chance to help raise a child, this time older, wiser, and without a Dark Lord looking over his shoulder.

He blamed Granger. Obviously it was not a Malfoy issue—any Malfoy who ever wished to have children had been able to have one. And there was absolutely no way Draco did not want children.

"Are you saying that neither of these young adults were not problematic as children?"

"Draco had his moments, to be sure. Had he not been so concerned with annoying Potter, he may have had the highest marks in his year. His dear wife took that honor, in spite of her incessant questions and miserable social skills at that time."

Hermione snorted. Snape twitched an eyebrow in acknowledgment.

Snape was not helping Lucius complain about his daughter-in-law as he had hoped. Lucius searched for a way to up the ante.

"Are you saying that our darling Mudblood didn't have the knowledge or social skills to associate with my son? While in school, that is?" Lucius said, with a smirk on his face.

Draco nearly toppled Hermione off the couch with the speed at which he rose. "Excuse me, Father?"

Snape raised both of his hands in a surrender signal. "I am afraid you're on your own, Lucius."

"What did you call _my wife_, Father?"

"I'm terribly sorry, Draco. The wine makes it hard for old habits to die, so to speak."

"Take it back, Father."

Lucius looked down at Draco as if here were an insignificant insect.

Draco raised his wand, pointing it directly between his father's eyes. Narcissa screamed and Andromeda quickly escorted Teddy from the room. Snape watched the scene unfold, hand twitching towards his wand.

"Take. It. Back."

"Of course, Draco. As soon as she provides me a viable half-blood heir, I will gladly revoke my comment."

"I'm going to count to three, Father. There will not be a four. Take it back."

Lucius stared just past Draco at a wall-sconce.

"One."

Lucius picked a non-existent piece of lint off his robes.

"Two."

"Draco, please, it's not worth it." Hermione walked to him, trying to stay his arm.

"Sit down, Hermione."

"Three."

Lucius did not even deign to blink.

"_Avada Kedavra_!"

Green smoke exploded from the end of the wand. Narcissa screamed and launched herself towards Lucius, who had been thrown across the room and was laying flat on his back.

"What have you done?" Hermione shrieked.

"Supported the Weasley twins, of course."

He threw his wand to Hermione, who caught it, and after a short investigation of its properties began giggling immediately.

"He has a pulse, thank Merlin. Explain yourself, Draco," Narcissa commanded.

"Joke wand, Mother. Father tends to make some sort of comment every year during this party. I knew it was only a matter of time before the wand would prove useful."

"And the spell, Draco? A simple stunner, I surmise?" Snape asked.

"Of course. It's rather hard to cast the Killing Curse when you're trying desperately not to laugh."

"Ingenious," Snape said, his lip curled back in what Draco supposed was Snape's equivalent of a smile.

"Don't worry, Mother. He'll wake in an hour or two. And, I doubt he'll he be bothering Hermione any time soon."

And with a smirk, he grabbed his wife's hand and escorted her from the home.

Outside, Draco kicked a rock at one of the peacocks. He smiled as it scurried away.

"You're positively dreadful, Draco! I can't believe you did that!"

"He needed to be put in his place. I'll not have him speaking of our child in the way he's spoken of you all of these years!"

"He'll certainly be surprised at New Year to find out he's to be a grandfather by the end of May!"

Draco smiled. "Too bad 'Half-Blood Prince' is already taken as a name."

Hermione giggled and looped her arm through his. Draco pulled her close, and with a spin, they Apparated home.

~~fin~~

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AN: Thanks for keeping me company, Droxy. It got fluffy at the end... I tried! Stupid eggnog. This story is dedicated to ladyinthecloak/karelia. I understand what you mean about Malfoys running rampant in your head now... Happy Christmas!

I was watching Die Hard, obviously. Greatest Christmas movie of all time.


End file.
